anonymous writings

"Whether or not you write well, write bravely" - Bill Stout.

Jan 22

San Diego, CA, USA

Yesterday I said goodbye and you left me in the silence, my last kiss on the rose in your hands.

This morning I woke and didn’t know what to do with myself.

So I bought myself a ticket to Kuala Lumpur, hoping to be with you where our dreams once met.

Dec 12

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Dec 7

Piqua, Ohio, USA

Yesterday I watched dad marry the woman I hate. I stood there and pretended to smile when all I wanted to do is take a knife and STAB HER. Dad met her a year ago and one week after she moved in with us she started whispering disgusting things into my ear when dad’s not around. She’d tell me how pretty I am and how great I’d look naked on camera if I lost twenty pounds.  I told her she was fucking insane and that I’d tell dad about what a crazy BITCH SHE WAS but all she did was laugh and say, “Honey, your dad’s in love with me.  You’re just his kid.”  I wanted to CHOKE HER TO DEATH. I don’t know how I put up with this FUCKING SKANK for a year but I’m going to get the fuck away from her.I haven’t told anyone yet but I’m running away next week. I’ve finally got a grand saved up and I’m going to leave when they go over to Haley’s for dinner. Tom gave me his friend’s address and said I could crash there for a month or two before he drives me to his girlfriend’s place. He said I could live with her and find a job and earn enough money until I could move out on my own. I’ll tell Rob when I get to Tom’s girlfriend’s place because I want to tell hime verything in person and I can’t do that here because I know he’ll get so mad he’ll kill her. I’ve already written a letter to dad and I’m going to mail it to his office tomorrow. I’m going to miss him so much but I know he wouldn’t understand or even believe me if I told him about the things she says and does to me. I secretly recorded her once so I could show dad the cunt she is but then she found out because Charlotte came over and used the recorder wothout asking me to tape her STUPID SONGS and LEFT IT ON THE FUCKING COFFEE TABLE FOR THE WORLD TO SEE.  when she heard herself screaming at me from the recorder she yanked me by my hair up to the bedroom and whipped my back with dad’s belt and she said if I told him about it she’d tell Rob I fucked Tom at my birthday party last year. Tom’s my best friend and Id never sleep with him but I know Rob still gets a little jealous sometimes so I didn’t want to risk hurting him. I love Rob so so much and we’ve been together for three years already ever since we were 13 and I didn’t want him to get sucked into this mess by that crazy bitch so I didn’t say anything.She acts like she hates Rob but I think she secretly wants to fuck him because she’s always giving him sly looks across the table when he comes over for dinner. Rob never said aything about it and I know he thinks I don’t know but I do. She’d call me a fat slut and say that Rob’s probably fucking other girls every weekend and just coming back to me for extra pussy.  Who the FUCK does she think she is It’s NONE OF HER GODDAMN BUSINESS that FUCKNG PIECE OF SHIT I HATE HER I WISH SHE’d DIE. I’ve been so fucking angry at dad for keeping her around and now they’re married and I can’t do anything about it. now I’m just angry at myself. I used to try to tell him but he would just smile and say, “I know she’s a handful. You’ll get used to her.”  I’d never “get used to her”.  I FUCKING HATE HER GUTS.I hope with all my heart she’d die in some horrible accident and I don’t care if I’m going to hell for thinking such thoughts because she deserves it!!!! sometimes I hear them fucking and I go insane. I  want to scream my lungs out and break everything in sight but all I can do is just sneak out of the house and walk for miles pissed thinkign up ways to kill her. God I miss mom so much I wish she’d tell me what to do right now. I feel like she would want me to get as far as I could from that crazy bitch but another part of me thinks she’d want me to stay and protect dad.I don’t even know why I’m writing all this but I found your site and reading one of the entries made me want to rant.

Dec 6

Sydney, Australia

Cigarettes and conversation.
Disturbed by pleasure without guilt.
Patron of the arts, creator of none.
Dramatic discourse, when feeling is considered the life of the physical being. 
Humanity in categories, where should i nestle?
Between the pseudo bohemian & pseudo intellects?
Resistance to feel righteous is not without its labels.
A pigeonhole destiny. 

Perth, Australia

This sorry looking chair, this old and leather covered friend of mine
is helping me forget. Sinking into it, I regret, remember and forget.
The sound of my rain soaked and mentally tortured body slipping
against its olive green leather, the familiar creak of its wooden
legs, as I sink deeper and deeper into its frame, jeopardising its
structural integrity with every deep breath. The droplets of rain
slowly falling off my limp wrist, and onto the carpet underneath. each
drop that falls into the small puddle, brings me closer and closer to
forgetting today. No matter how much physical damage a man could do to
me, no one could have hurt me as much as she. Today, of all days, she
had to leave.

Southern CA, USA

i never knew i was living with someone who had been repeatedly raped by her grandfather between the ages of 9 and 11 until she broke down crying in bed, in the middle of our sex.

her whole body started shaking, enormous sobs and tears the size of pearls followed.
i asked her what was wrong, impatiently. i wasn’t prepared for the answer when it came.

i wasn’t prepared for the feeling, like a kick in the gut when she told me it had happened.
at least i knew enough to tell her it wasn’t her fault, when she began to implicate herself.

in any case i knew i didn’t have the preparation to be any kind of guide in healing process.
at the time i was a masters degree student in communication studies, not in psychology.

i urgently implored her to seek talk therapy at the student health center, she agreed to it.
after several months of seeing a counselor weekly, she gradually resumed having a libido.

however, i never knew when another bout of crying or a sobbing jag would come
in moments of intimacy, if anything occurred to trigger an association from her past.

i never knew before we started going out or living together that she had been molested,
but even if i had known about it in advance i would still have been with her in those days.

it’s a good thing that she told me about it, that she got the help she needed, and
that i stayed patient, so for the time we spent together it was better after i knew.

New York, NY, USA

free write there are nights like tonight where my mind refuses to stop and i can’t help but wonder why why i sit on my brick steps tremble in the cold cancer between my fingers between my lips staring up breaking down calling out and waiting for my summer sky to come when the stars line up just for me the memories crash over me taking me back i spit and wheeze through the cracks in concrete talking just under my breath to someone who will listen to myself the voices of people i barely came to know i’m such a sucker for sore eyes adorned in black and blues wearing our best disguise streamlined by their lines mirror mirror on the wall in our squalor you’re appalled with the pride of a fucking lion chasing down windmills for the thrill of it all angels vultures saviors sinners thanking god to be alive whatever that means i close eyes that’ve seen too much and inhale the death of the city listening to the embers fall between finger tips the buzz of street light planes of people running away from it all cars zooming by to nowhere anywhere but here they say anything with meaning i fill the space between where i began and we lie with the stories of people desperate to be saved by something more than themselves more than dreams reality who we are what we are how we ought to be what we should become sometimes i stop and think that i’m still just a child weary of leaving the womb fearful of the world outside fearful of the world inside my mind i think of my father wondering as he fights for sleep now if he’s trying to figure out where it all went wrong where it all went right where i am alright i’ll see you soon the fetal earth laid on it’s side resting his head beside my ghost a professor stared through me as he said wanting to save the world is a delusion a grandiose belief preoccupation of goal oriented behavior a disorder and i felt my heart sink deeper into my chest farther behind bones unrolling my sleeves as they watched me squirm in my seat in doubt i love you but there’s always a conjunction on the contrary only just except what for words i avoid and feed transitional change preposition to defeat life is relative am i happy are you happy depends on who’s asking ask us again when we hit that high note just before the fall and release am i writing hymns to forget or just to remember what brought me to this place jamais vu crawling up my steps undressing in the dark i can pinpoint the moment of my rebirth in the mirror solar systems mock in revolution idiosyncrasy there is comfort in repetition paving the way to perdition you can save the world but the world will not save you in our masquerade the sun will not refuse to shine when we need her most the glow about us will lead us home stop me if you’ve heard this one before a boy dies with a forgetful smile on her face but a man emerges through forward thinking simon didn’t say you could watch my lips move